Fall From Grace
by Frzn Mmnt
Summary: Part 3 of “Precious Things”. Songfic. It's time for Trowa to make the decision regarding his future and his daughter, but depression and sorrow lead him astray. 4 x 5, 1 x R, and 2 x H. Yaoi.


**Disclaimer: All Gundam Wing Characters and references belong to their respective owners. Story elements and original characters © Kathryn Summers. The song Fall From Grace © Sarah Mclachlan. No money was gained in the writing of this story.**

Dedicated to my new job at Jonathan M. Shiff Productions, where I go to work everyday and still have time to write.

_Fall From Grace_

"Heero, hurry the hell up or we are going to be late!"  
"I can't find my goddamn keys!"  
Relena Peacecraft-Yuy, Princess of the Cinq Kingdom, rolled her eyes at her husband, Heero Yuy, former pilot of the Gundam _Wing Zero_ and head of Peacecraft Security, and left their bedroom, practically throwing herself down the stairs in a mad rush to find the missing car keys. The Yuy's Nanny, Allison, met her at the bottom, holding 6 month old Thomas out to his mother.  
"It's five past, Miss Relena, I thought you were supposed to be leaving at one." Allison questioned the young blonde woman.  
Taking her son from his daytime carer, she replied, "Heero's lost his car keys again and if he doesn't find them soon, we **are** going to be late."  
"Can I do anything to help?" Both Relena and Allison turned around to see a young blonde man come into the hallway from the kitchen.  
"Here, Quatre, take Thomas and get him into his car seat." Relena said, settling the small boy into Quatre's arms. "I have to help Heero find those keys or there will be hell on earth."  
"I'll be taking off then, Miss Relena. If you need anything, please call." Allison said with a polite smile.  
"No problems, Allison, enjoy your afternoon off." Relena said and dashed back up the stairs, taking care not to trip in her heels. "Heero, have you found anything yet?"  
Quatre Raberba Winner, former pilot of the Gundam _Sandrock_ and heir to the Winner Resource Satellite Estate, smiled at the baby boy he held in his arms, "Come on, Tom, we'd best get out of here before your Dad starts the next _After Colony War_ all on his own."  
He grabbed his coat off the rack and jumped at the sound of the door slamming behind him. "Wufei?"  
Chang Wufei, former pilot of the Gundam _Altron_ and assistant to head of Peacecraft Security gazed at his lover, "Are we going yet or what?"  
Quatre chuckled, "No, not yet. Heero's lost his car keys again."  
A grimace crossed Wufei's handsome Chinese face, "He's whatQuatre, **I** took his keys. The car is waiting outside, wasting gas, while that moron is wasting our time!"  
The blonde Arabian passed off the baby he held to his partner, "Go, take Thomas and get in the car. I'll get Heero and Relena before we lose any more of our precious time."  
Wufei nodded and left the house, slamming the door roughly behind him while Quatre went to the stairs and shouted, "Heero! Relena! Let's go! Wufei's got the keys!"  
A monstrous screech came from one of the rooms at the top of the stairs and Heero emerged with Relena close behind him. "Damn you, Chang, this is the third time this week you've taken my keys and didn't tell me! I should have known!"  
Heero thundered down the stairs and grabbed his jacket from the rail. He opened the door to see the sleek black limo waiting out front, "No way, Chang, I'm driving!"  
Wufei made a face at him from where he sat in the driver's seat, "Whatever, Yuy, just try and get me out of the car first."  
Quatre stood there and chuckled to himself as he did up the last of the buttons on his jacket. "I don't know what's wasting more time, us looking for the missing keys or them fighting over who's going to drive."  
Relena gave an amused sigh, "Well, we're already late, what's a few more minutes?"  
"But of all days, did it have to rain today?" Quatre remarked looking out the door at the weather, "It isn't appropriate. Two months ago, we buried Ania on a perfectly sunny day. Tomorrow, we bring home her `daughter from the hospital and it's raining."  
The blonde woman squeezed her friend's shoulder, "Don't let the weather kill the mood, Quatre, it is going to be an exciting couple of days."  
"Relena?"  
"What is it?"  
"Trowa left us a month ago and hasn't called or written since then, only Cathie has." Quatre looked at the floor. "He's going to be okay, isn't he? He's going to be a great father to Grace, right?"  
Relena smiled, "Everything will be fine. You remember how he treated Grace before he left, barely leaving her side in the hospital. Trowa needed some time to himself. Ania's death affected him most of all."  
"I can't help but worry."  
"I know, we all do." A car horn sounded outside. "Come on, the other's are waiting for us."  
Relena kissed Quatre's pale cheek and they both exited the house to the waiting limousine. 

***** 

The rain poured down around the two couples waiting patiently for the transport to land. Relena and Heero stood under a bright blue umbrella with Thomas. Quatre and Wufei were standing close together under a simple black one.   
"You know, they could put the waiting area under cover." Wufei whispered to his partner in front of him.  
"You work for Milliardo Peacecraft, and he's responsible for this country. Put the proposal to him." Quatre replied, without taking his eyes off the transport landing pad.  
"Maybe I'll just talk to his sister."  
"You do that."  
A pained looked crossed Wufei's face at Quatre's abrupt comeback, "Are you okay?"  
"Yes, why?"  
"Because you've never spoken to me in that tone of voice before."  
The statement forced Quatre to turn and stare at the taller man behind him, "II'm sorry, 'Fei, I'm worried about Trowa."  
"What for?"  
"His lack of contact since he left, having to hear how he's doing from his sister. I can't even tell if what she says is the truth." Quatre said, with a sad note in his voice.  
Wufei pulled Quatre in close to him under the soggy umbrella, "Don't worry so much, Quatre. Trowa needed some time to recover his senses. The last couple of months have been really hard on him."  
"That's exactly what Relena said."  
"Then trust us."  
But the sinking feeling in Quatre's stomach didn't go away.  
The transport landed and shut itself down, leaving a ringing in the ears of the onlookers waiting for friends and relatives to disembark. The doors opened and the first few people, all with shocked looks on their faces at the sight of the cool June weather, came into the dim light of the cloudy afternoon.  
The two couples watched and waited for their close friends, Trowa and his sister Catherine, to appear, but Catherine noticed them first and she shrieked loudly at the sight of Relena.  
"Relena!!"  
Relena waved from underneath her umbrella watching Catherine move through the line on her way to the security gate.  
"Gods, is that him?" Wufei whispered loudly.  
But Quatre couldn't respond. A shocked, almost frightened look came across his face as he stared at the man walking behind Catherine. Trowa looked thin and ill, like he'd been beaten down by something. His hair hadn't been combed or washed in what appeared to be days. His clothes were rumpled, his shoes dirty, in fact, it looked like Trowa stopped taking care of himself.

~The winter here's cold, and bitter, it's chilled us to the bone.~  
~I haven't seen the sun for weeks, too long too far from home...~

Catherine broke through the crowd of people after clearing security and the two women met and hugged. "Oh Relena, it's great to see you. I've been looking forward to this visit ever since Quatre called to tell us Grace could come home!"  
"Oh, Cathie, so have we!" Relena hugged her friend again.  
Catherine exchanged kisses with Heero and then took Thomas from him, "Hi, Tom, you've gotten big and you look so much like your dad now!"  
Relena smiled, handing Catherine the spare umbrella she held, "Doesn't he? He has that same unruly brown hair Heero has and I find there's nothing I can do to fix it."  
Cathie pulled her heavy coat snugly around her and opened her umbrella, "Why's it raining so hard? We've been having snow in our colony. I think the main weather controls are broken, but the news says it's normal. I hoped for some warmer weather."  
"Bit of unexpected rain never hurt anybody." Heero, said, staring at the tall figure behind Catherine.  
Former Gundam _HeavyArms_ Pilot and Circus Clown, Trowa Barton stood off to one side, oblivious to the chill rain falling on him as he listened to his sister chatter on about the little boy and the weather. Quatre glanced at Heero's slightly puzzled expression and left the shelter of the umbrella to approach his newly arrived best friend.  
"Trowa?" He asked, touching his friend's shoulder.  
The tall man turned and looked at the Arabian standing before him, but did not reach out in any form of greeting. Trowa simply had no emotion at all in his face. "Hi, Quatre."  
"You don't look very well. Are you alright?"  
"I'm fine, Quatre."  
Quatre stared into his friends deep green eyes and shivered at the lack of any feeling in them, "We've missed you, you know. We're glad you're here."  
"I am too, thanks."  
From the corner of his eye, Quatre saw Heero motion them all towards the car, and realized he would get no more words out of Trowa now, "Come on, Heero wants to go. I think Thomas is getting cold."  
They followed Heero, Relena, and Catherine to the Limo, where the two young women happily chatted, while the four pilots and long time friends sat in the uncomfortable silence surrounding Trowa Barton.

*****

"Trowa didn't come down for dinner tonight."  
Quatre looked at his partner sitting on the bed next to him, "Are you surprised?"  
"No, I'm not, now that I think about it. What happened to him, Quatre? He isn't the same Trowa Barton who left here a month ago." Wufei stated, kicking his shoes off and shoving them under the bed. "It almost feels like he's lost his grip on reality, or something equally bad. I've never been uncomfortable around **any** of the Gundam pilots, but today, I almost didn't want to be there."  
Quatre sighed, "I suspected this, 'Fei. But I didn't think it'd be so bad, or that he'd lock himself up in his room and avoid people. He's taken Ania's death really hard."  
"Where is he now?"  
"In his room." The Arabian stood up, "I'm going to go talk to him."  
"Alright, I'll see you downstairsand Quatre"  
Quatre turned around and stared at his partner.  
"Don't push him too hard, he's had a rough time." Wufei said. "He's been avoiding us since he arrived, give him time to come to you."  
"I promise." And with those words, the young blonde man disappeared out the bedroom door.  
He swiftly padded down the hall to the room where Trowa resided whenever he visited, the same one he'd shared with Ania when she lived. Quatre went to knock on the door and another door nearby opened and Catherine came out of her room.  
"Oh, Quatre, just the person I wanted to see." Catherine said, with a feigned smile, but her eyes held sorrow and secrecy.  
"What is it, Cathie?" Quatre said, "I'm going to visit Trowa."  
"Don't."  
"What?"  
"Don't speak to him right now. He's a bit touchy at the moment." Catherine looked at the ground, not wanting to meet Quatre's inquisitive aquamarine eyes. "Besides, you won't find him in there."  
"Where is he?"  
Catherine glanced down the hall, "He's down there in the small end room. He asked Relena when we arrived if he could stay somewhere else, since the other room holds too many painful memories for him."  
"Thank you for the information." Quatre turned to walk away from her.  
"Please, Quatre, please leave him alone." Catherine pleaded.  
"He's been gone for a month and he's my best friend, I'd like to go speak to him. Especially since he didn't come down and eat with us this evening." Quatre narrowed his eyes. "What are you not telling me, Cathie? Is there more to this than what I observed today at the Transport landing pad?"  
"It's" Catherine stumbled over her words, "It's nothing. He needs some time to rest and to grieve."  
"That's why he went away for a month. His daughter is coming home to him tomorrow. He should be getting ready for that."   
Catherine again could not meet Quatre's eyes, "I thinkI meanI know he is, but"  
"But what?"  
"But he still needs some time to work through his grief."  
Quatre raised his voice, "Time? We all need time, but Grace's time is tomorrow. You can't look me in the eye and tell me what's wrong with him, so I'd rather go and talk to him myself."  
"Is there something wrong out here?"  
Catherine and Quatre turned to the sound of Wufei's voice, who stood in the doorway of the bedroom he shared with Quatre. "I heard raised voices, is there something wrong?"  
"No, 'Fei." Quatre eyed Catherine warily, "I'm going now to see Trowa."  
The tall older woman turned to him again, "Please, Quatre, just let him be."  
"I can't, Cathie. You know it as well as I do." He replied quietly.  
"Wufei, please, tell him." Catherine pleaded. "Make Quatre understand he cannot bother Trowa right now."   
Wufei smiled at her, "Let them be, Cathie. He wants to talk to Trowa. There's a little girl's future at stake here and if he hasn't yet, then Trowa needs to face up to the responsibility. There is no harm in talking."  
Tears shined in Catherine's eyes as Wufei pulled her away in the direction of the stairs. The two men made eye contact for a brief moment, Wufei silently signalling Quatre to go and speak to his best friend.  
The shorter man just stared, torn between Catherine's words and his own feelings on the situation. He let out a weary sigh and turned to go to the room where his best friend resided.

*****

Catherine let out a sob as she fell down onto the couch in the small Peacecraft Library. Hearing the commotion from a nearby room, Relena came rushing in to see her older friend and Wufei on the couch, Wufei's arm around Catherine's shoulder.  
"Gods! What's happened?" Relena said, sitting down on the seat next to Catherine and pulling her into an embrace.  
Wufei looked down at the ground, "Quatre is going to see Trowa and Cathie doesn't want him to."  
"No, no, it's more than that." Catherine said through her tears, "It's Trowa. I couldn't bring myself to tell Quatre what's wrong with him."  
Relena pulled away, "What is it, Cathie. Tell us. What's wrong with Trowa? Otherwise we can't help."  
Again, the doors to the library burst open and in strode Heero. "Christ, I heard sobbing. What's going on?"  
Relena glared at Heero, "It's alright now, just go back to what you were doing."   
Catherine looked up and stared, "No, Heero, stay, you should hear this too."  
Heero took a seat on the couch opposite of them and Catherine began her story.  
"He came home a month ago. I expected him to do what he needed to do with Ania's things and then we'd prepare a space for Grace. I also needed some help with the circus and he agreed to do so during the last two weeks before we came back here. The first few days, he appeared fine, talking to Quatre on the vidphone about Grace's improvements. Then he began the arduous task of putting away all of Ania's things. After one day, I couldn't get him out of his room. He slept all day, he didn't eat, he didn't shower, he stayed in there. When I finally coaxed him out the next morning, he looked as though he had crieda lot. Ania's things were everywhere and not packed away like he intended to. Even those things in the box he'd brought from here were scattered all over the place." Catherine took a deep breath, trying to calm her tears before continuing.  
"Trowa steadily grew worse, drinking, eating and sleeping very little, never cleaning himself up and never fulfilling the tasks he'd come home to do. I kept telling him to call Quatre and he'd make excuses. So I'd call, and make Trowa's excuses, never letting on about Trowa's crippling depression. The only thing I could finally get him to do was get ready to come here and even that took effort. I had to pack his clothes for him. Now he's holed himself up and isn't speaking to anybody. And I'm sorry, I didn't want Quatre to see him this way." Catherine burst into another round of sobbing, "I'm afraid for the little girl who's coming home tomorrow. I'm afraid Trowa won't give a damn about being a father to her, because he's too wrapped up in his own grief. I don't know if he realizes she's his last connection to Ania."  
"Gods." A shiver went up Wufei's spine. "None of us had any idea. We were worried, and knew he wasn't well, but not how bad."  
"We can't let him go home like this, Catherine, not with Grace." Relena said, hugging her friend again. "Even as strong as she has grown in the last two months, she's still a very fragile infant."  
"But I don't want him to **stay**!"  
"**He needs help**." Three pairs of eyes turned to look at Heero. "It's more than just for Grace. Trowa needs help."  
"No, Heero, he can't know." Catherine cried out, "It's bad enough that Quatre has to go see him this way, but he can't know that I've told the rest of you. We'll go get Grace tomorrow and then we'll go home on Thursday. I can take care of him. He'll be fine!"  
"No, Cathie," Wufei said, shaking his head, "He's never going to pull himself out of this depression if he thinks nobody knows about it."  
The fear returned to Catherine's eyes, "No! I know what's best for him. You have to let him be!"  
"I suggest that we see what Quatre has to say about it before we approach Trowa." Heero said, casually. "We've all been friends for years but it's Quatre who knows him best."  
Through her tears, Catherine tried to protest again, but Heero continued over her, "Something has to be done. He's going to take responsibility for himself, his life, and his child and it will start tonight."  
The door opened again, and the Yuy's housekeeper, Megan came into the room, "Sorry to bother you, Mr. Yuy, but Mr. Maxwell is on the vidphone and asks to speak to you. He says it's quite urgent."  
"Thanks, Megan." Heero got up and turned to the three people sitting on the couch in front of him, "You'll be alright, Cathie?"  
Wufei nodded, "Go see what that old bag wants, we'll look after her."  
Heero nodded and left the room.

*****

His heart pounding with fear and worry, Quatre put his fist to the wooden door and knocked softly. He waited a moment. Hearing nothing, he knocked again, this time harder.  
He sighed, "Trowa, it's me, let me in please."  
A voice came from the room this time, "Go away, I don't want to see anybody right now."  
"Trowa, I'm coming in whether you like it or not, even if I have to get Heero to break the door down." Quatre firmly warned, "So, it's probably better to let me in."  
The quiet empty voice came again through the door, "Nobody's stopping you. It isn't locked."  
Quatre tentatively grabbed the handle and opened the door. A shiver of dread he'd never felt before coursed it's way through his body as he saw into the room. Trowa had pulled a large comfortable chair across the room and put it in front of the window. Next to the bed sat a bottle of dark cloudy alcohol, with a glass next to it. In the chair, Trowa sat, still looking the same as he did earlier, when he'd been picked up from the transport pad, holding a half empty glass of said alcohol in his hand.  
"Trowa?"  
"What?"  
"What's happened to you?"  
"I'm fine."  
Quatre sat down on the edge of the bed, "No, you're not. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately."  
"Don't need to."  
"Trowa, stop it." Quatre said in anger, "You look terrible, you smell terrible, you're drinking, Cathie's worried sick about you, I'm frightened just being in here with you, you won't talk, your eyes are so red it appears you've either not slept or have cried a lot recently and you're telling me that you're fine?"  
"Yes."  
Another surge of rage pulsed through Quatre's small frame, and he raised his voice, louder than what he'd done when he spoke to Catherine, "What's happened to you, Trowa? You were different when you left. I thought we were friends, best friends, and now you've gone and closed yourself up to everybody around you, including me. Why won't you talk to me?"  
"Look, I've been a little sick lately, okay? Is that sufficient?" Trowa said, a touch of sorrow in his voice.  
"No, it's not." Quatre took note of the change in Trowa's tone and got up off the bed to kneel next to the chair. The tears in the emerald green eyes were clearly visible, "You miss her, don't you?  
Trowa blinked, but one small tear managed to escape, trinkling silently down the brown cheek, "More than anything."  
"Is that it then? Is that why you've changed?" Quatre pleaded.  
"I don't know if I remember how to live without her." His hand came up to wipe away the tears somehow escaping his eyes. "I can't seem to get beyond the fact that she isn't coming back, that she's really gone."  
"Trowa" Quatre faultered a bit before the right words came to him. "Trowa, we all miss her so much. It isn't fair that she had to go when the rest of us were never allowed to die even when we cried for the release. But she is, and she'll always be with us in spirit and in her daughter's eyes. You don't ever have to stop loving her, but you have to let go, Trowa or you won't be able to be a father to your daughter or move on with your life. Grace needs you a lot more right now."  
Trowa stood up and threw the small glass against the far wall where it shattered with a loud crash, "I don't want to let her go, Quatre! Now you see why I don't want anybody around me?! I've been listening to this garbage from Cathie for the last four weeks! None of you get it!"

~I feel just like I'm sinking and I claw for solid ground...~

Quatre pushed himself up and away from the chair in a fit of rage and screamed louder than he'd ever done before, "Don't get it?! She was my last sister who cared at all about me and now she's gone, just like Iria before her. Don't you dare say I don't get it!   
"Maybe the Gods are laughing at us, Trowa. We were all in the wars, **all** of us. You, me, Heero, Wufei, and Duoeven Relena and Hilde, **ALL** of us. And all of us came close to death so many times. I still hear in my dreams every single night the soft click of the self-destruct button and I wait and wait for the whole world to go up in fire and smoke but it never happens.   
"I nearly killed you, Trowa, and I nearly killed Heero when the _Zero System_ drove me insane. How many times did Heero put that gun to Relena's head? Remember when Duo shot Heero and when Hilde nearly gave her life trying to get information to us on _Peacemillion_? They are moments forged in my mind forever and I will **never** forget them. But we all survived, somehow, we all survived. And I don't think it's fair that we survive the horrors of that war to come home and watch the people we love die. I loved her too, Trowa, and I miss her too. But I realized that I can't live my life wallowing in self pity and hoping for something that isn't going to happen."  
"Shut up, Quatre." Trowa said through clenched teeth.  
"No, I'm not going to."   
"SHUT UP, QUATRE!!"  
"I'm not going to sit by and watch you waste away!" Quatre vehemently shouted, "You're not the only one who's hurting so stop acting like the world owes you something, because it doesn't! We should be helping each other work through this, not hiding away!"  
Trowa turned to face his best friend, opening his mouth to say something else in anger, but stopped and fell to the floor in a heap, burying his head in his hands, "I"  
"Can't what, Trowa, can't what?" Quatre said, in a quieter tone, dropping to his knees and putting a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "Tell me what's wrong. What can't you do?"  
"I can't bring her home tomorrow." Trowa said, his voice muffled by his hands, "I can't take care of her. I can't do it without Ania."  
"Can't? Or don't want to?"  
"I don't know." And then Trowa sobbed, letting weeks worth of pent up emotion out. "I'm scared."

~I'm pulled down by the undertow,~   
~I never thought I could feel so low...~

"But you're not alone, Trowa." Quatre reached around and held the taller man's sobbing body. "You are not alone. You have me and your sister and Heero and Duo and their families. All you have to is ask for help if you need it. And you do, Trowa, you need help."  
He did not respond, but continued to sob, as Quatre held and rocked him back and forth.  
"You should never have tried to do this alone. You should have said yes when your sister offered to help you." Quatre said gently, "And we're not going to let you go home, not like this, not until we think you are ready."  
"Ican't.."  
"Can't what, Tro? What is it now?"  
"Catherine doesn't want me to stay here anymore than I have to." Trowa said, his sobbing quieter now.  
"But what do you want?"  
"I don't know, Quatre. I want to be close to Ania." With Quatre's help, Trowa got to his feet and wiped his tears away, "I'm still scared, Quatre, even with all your postive words, I just don't think I'll be able to do this. I have to go home eventually, and I'll be alone again."

~Oh darkness I feel like letting go...~

"We're not going to leave you alone, Trowa. I'll talk things through with Cathie, okay?" Quatre said, "Now go take a shower and rest for the evening. If you need anything"  
Trowa just moved away and disappeared into the bathroom, leaving the shorter man staring after him.   
Quatre eased down onto the bed with a sigh, nervously running his fingers through his white/blond hair. A knock sounded at the door. He looked up and said, "Come in."  
"What's going on? Did you get a chance to talk to him." Heero asked, closing the door softly behind him.  
"Yes, mostly." Quatre said, "He's still grieving about Ania's death, which is fair enough, but he's refusing to ask for help and keeping it all to himself. He's so worked up about Grace coming home tomorrow, that he's positive he's going to fail."  
Heero looked down at his hands and sighed, then quickly relayed the story Catherine told him not much before, "I realize that we're all concerned about him, but instincts are telling me he needs to stay here and not go home with Cathie."  
"When **are** they going home?"  
"Cathie said Thursday afternoon." Heero replied, "I'm going to try and arrange for them to stay longer, but I'm not sure if Cathie will go for that, especially with the circus."  
Quatre shook his head, "Cathie can go, but Trowa will stay here."  
"Nah, Cathie won't let him stay here alone again. So it's all or nothing."  
"Trowa said the same thing, but I'm going to continue to push for it. He should decide for himself what he wants to do."  
Heero turned around to leave, "Stay with him, Quat. He's unstable right now. His emotions are controlling him. He's angry at himself and the world and he can't rationalize the situation properly. These next four days are crucial for setting up Trowa's future with Grace."  
"I'm worried, Heero."  
"We all are." Heero opened the door, "Oh, by the way, Duo called. He and Hilde had a baby boy a half an hour ago.  
Quatre smiled and the door clicked, signalling Heero's departure. He called the Yuy's housekeeper and requested her to come and clean up the mess of broken glass Trowa left on the floor.   
Quatre gave the room a glance, waited a few more minutes and then left the room himself.

*****

The warm water trickled down Trowa's lean body as he stood under the shower. He couldn't remember the last time he'd bathed as he'd spent so many days of the last few weeks in a drunken stupor.  
Thoughts pooled in his mind like the water pooling at his feet, Catherine's pleading for him to pull himself together, pacifist Quatre's unhinged anger, and the distance from Heero and Wufei. Even Duo stopped calling in and checking up on him. He couldn't understand why he could not ask for help, when he knew he needed it. He slammed his fist against the wall, and another round of tears tried to force through to mix with the hot soapy water, but he blinked them back, putting the walls over his emotions again.

~But all of the strength and all of the courage,~  
~Couldn't lift me from this place...~

He slicked the last of the shampoo out of his hair and turned the water off, feeling a cool breeze from the fan brush over his bare skin. Trowa shivered and used the towel, trying to brush away the goose bumps suddenly appearing.  
Standing in front of the mirror, towel around his hips, he wiped away the steam and stared at himself. He could only imagine what the others were thinking of him right now. Not that he cared, but he wondered.  
"Quatre's wrong." Trowa said to his reflection in the mirror, "The world does owe me something. The world owes me my life, my Angel, and everything that has ever been taken from me."  
He pulled the hair gel out of his overnight bag and carefully applied it, setting each strand into the hairstyle he always wore. When he'd finished, he looked like the Trowa everyone knew and loved, but he didn't feel it.  
Trowa opened the bathroom door and peaked out, into the now deserted room. They'd left him alone. He went to his suitcase and pulled out some clean clothes, almost glad Cathie packed for him, rather than allowing him to do it himself. He wasn't sure what he would have brought if left to his own devices. As he riffled through his clothing looking for a pair of socks, Trowa came across his picture of Ania he always carried with him. They looked beautiful together in the photo, holding each other close and smiling like they hadn't a care in the world. At the time, they didn't. He missed that, like he missed everything else about her.  
"Ania?" He said to the photo and then looked up at the room surrounding him, "Are you with me?"  
No response came, but he wasn't expecting one.  
"I don't think I can bring her home tomorrow, Angel." Trowa said, speaking to the photo. "I couldn't do justice as a Father, not without you to make sure I am doing everything right. I haven't done anything right so far. Quatre and Cathie both told me that."

~I know I can love you much better than this.~  
~I fall from grace...~

Still Ania smiled at him from her photo, her small face and body unchanging.  
A tear dropped onto glass, distorting the image looking back at him. "I have to wonder if she'd be better off living here with Quatre and Relena. It's so perfect here. And safe, even I feel safe here."

~It's better this way, I said, having seen this place before.~

Trowa set the photo down on the side of the bed he did not occupy and drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep. His first in weeks.   
An hour later, Quatre peaked in on Trowa and found him sleeping peacefully. He carefully covered him with a spare blanket, smiling at the photo on the pillow next to Trowa's.  
"We all miss you, Ania." Quatre said, and closed the door softly behind him, exiting to his own room and bed.

*****

The alarm went off and an obnoxious Radio DJ came blaring out of the small clock radio sitting next to her head, jolting Relena out of her peaceful dreams and sleep, "Damn you, Heero Yuy, don't turn the alarm volume up."  
She rolled over to the empty space on the other side of the bed, "And of course, you're up long before the alarm goes off."  
She got out of bed and put her bathrobe on, padding silently across the carpet in her bare feet to the door that adjoined the room next to hers. Satisfied her son had not been awakened by the alarm, she shut the door and went to the bathroom.  
"Could you please not turn the volume up on the alarm. One of these days you are going to wake up Thomas, not to mention give me a heart attack." Relena said, grabbing her toothbrush and the toothpaste from the counter next the sink where her husband stood.  
Heero grinned at her from under the shaving cream that covered the lower half of his face, "I'm sorry about that. I had to make sure I got up on time this morning."  
"So you set the alarm and then get up before it goes off and forget to turn it off so as not to wake me or your son up." Relena elbowed him in the ribs and smiled, before putting her toothbrush in her mouth. "Good one, Heero."  
The two of them stood there in comfortable silence, each doing a different morning ritual, reveling in the closeness they shared. Relena spit out the last of her toothpaste and wiped her mouth, "What **are** doing up so early? We don't have to be at the hospital until 11."  
"Wufei and I were called to a conference this morning. I found out after you went to bed last night. It appears your brother and his wife forgot to mention it to the security team when they booked it." Heero said, running his hands under the water to rinse off any remaining shave cream. "We'll be out for most of the day."  
"What?" Relena turned and stared at her husband, following him as he walked into the bedroom. "You're joking? You both are supposed to come to the hospital with me and Quatre.  
He put a white shirt on and buttoned it up, "Sorry, Honey. Call your brother up and yell at him. But you will be fine today and we'll be home as soon as we can leave."  
Relena lay down on the bed and pulled her covers over her small thin body, "I wanted you there for moral support."  
"Trowa has you, Quatre, and Catherine. He doesn't need me there as well."  
"For me, Heero, not Trowa."  
Heero smiled at her and bent over and kissed her, "You'll be fine, Relena."  
"Bye, Heero." She said and snuggled down into her covers, willing her body to rest a bit longer before her son woke up. "Don't wake up Thomas."

*****

Meanwhile, on the other side of the large house, Quatre and Wufei were having an argument of their own.   
"Wufei, you promised you'd be there today!"  
"I'm sorry, Quat, things came up at the last minute. I have to be there today, it's my job, even when I have more important things I'd rather be doing." Wufei tightened his tie and put on a black suit jacket.  
"I know, but it's Trowa and I'm really frightened about going in there alone with him and not having you to see when I come out." Quatre flopped back against his pillows, the ivory skin of his bare chest and white/blonde hair a stark contrast to the midnight blue satin sheets.  
The short Chinese man sat down on the edge of the bed and took Quatre's hands into his own, "I know you're scared. We all are. Gods, how many times have I said that in the last 12 hours? But trust yourself. Cathie and Relena will be there and I'm only a phone call away."  
"Yes, I know, but only in an emergency."  
Wufei leaned over and kissed Quatre's forehead, "Relena will look after Grace and make sure Trowa gets everything he needs for her. Don't worry."  
Quatre let out a long, exasperated sigh, "Okay."  
"Good luck and I love you."  
"Thanks and I love you, too." Quatre sighed again as the door closed behind his partner.

*****

Outside, Heero waited, watching Wufei silently close the large double doors to the house and jog swiftly toward him. Both were wearing their matching dark work suits.  
"Does he suspect anything?" Heero asked.  
"Not a thing. What about Relena?"  
"Annoyed, but unaware."   
Wufei smirked, "This is probably the least craziest idea you've had in all the years I've known you, Heero Yuy, but I feel worse about getting caught now than I did when we were in the wars."  
"Probably because Relena and Quatre could do worse things to us than a _Mobile Doll_ could." Heero replied, climbing into the driver's side of the deep purple Range Rover. "How much time do we have?"  
"Pagan's taking them down to the hospital at 11 am." Wufei looked at his watch. "I suspect they'll be gone around an hour and the stores open at 9."  
"Well, that's three hours until the shops open, so lets go get some breakfast."  
Wufei nodded and the vehicle pulled out of the driveway.

*****

Relena knocked and the door swung open, revealing a clean shaven, fresh smelling Quatre dressed in dark slacks and a white shirt, a light jacket hanging over one arm.  
The two of them stared at each other for a few moments, sharing a look of muted dread and knowing exactly what the other thought.  
Quatre held out his hand and Relena took it giving it a gentle squeeze of encouragement, "It'll be okay, Quat, I know it will. Let's go get Trowa. Cathie's waiting for us downstairs."  
As if on cue, the door down near the end of hall opened and Trowa stepped out, looking completely different than the prior day when he'd stepped off the space transport. His clothes were clean and pressed, he had shaved the weeks of stubble off, and his hair had been carefully gel styled into what Trowa liked best, hanging down and covering half of his face. Above all, he radiated calm and slight confidence.  
Quatre stared, mouth open, unable to say any words to express his awe and confusion at the 180 degree change in his best friend. But for now, he contented himself to let it pass because he, along with the two women, were anxious to get to the hospital and bring home the little girl whose mother's death had turned their lives upside down.  
Relena stood off to one side as the two men eyed each other up. When the silence became too unbearable, she said, "Come on, guys, Cathie is waiting for us downstairs and I think I can hear the car out in the front of the house."  
Following her lead, the three of them descended the stairs. Catherine looked up and smiled, her smile growing when she noticed the positive state of her brother. "Trowa! You look wonderful."  
She went up to him and threw her arms around him, his own going protectively and somewhat automatically around her. After a moment, she stood back and smiled at him again, "Are you ready?"  
Trowa nodded and looked imploringly at Quatre. Quatre understood. "Girls, why don't you go out to the car. I'd like to have a word alone with Trowa before we go."  
Relena handed Catherine her jacket, "Sure, Quat." And the door opened and closed leaving the two men in heavy silence.  
"Trowa, it's"  
"It's fake."  
A puzzled look crossed Quatre's face, "What is?"  
"The confidence. The calm. It's all fake."  
"Why?"  
Trowa could no longer meet Quatre's eyes, "Because I'm more afraid than ever to go in there today. But I have to do it for her, because it's her daughter too."  
"What are you going to do then."  
"I don't know."  
Anger briefly flashed in Quatre's aquamarine eyes, "Have you given this any thought at all."  
"I've thought about nothing else." Trowa's blank look turned to pleading. "Can we just go, Quatre, and get this over with. Agonizing about it here won't change the way that either of us feel."

~Where everything we say and do hurts us all the more...~

"Promise me one thing then, Tro."  
"What?"  
"Promise me you'll let us try to help you and that you'll stay here with me if you don't think you can do it alone, regardless of what Cathie says or wants for you." Trowa did not respond right away to Quatre's strong words. "Please, Trowa, please promise me."  
"II promise" Trowa stammered out, cautious about saying the important words.  
The insincere and forced words frightened Quatre to much, but concerned for Grace, he hesitated before saying anything further. "Now lets go."

*****

"Mr. Barton!! Mr. Winner!!" A voice exclaimed from the front desk of the infant care unit. "Some of the nurses on staff told me Grace is going home today and I came up to say good-bye!"  
"Hi, Bec." Trowa gave a polite smile to Rebecca, the nurse who took care of Grace during her month and a half stay in the NeoNatal ICU.  
"These are my favourite days, seeing the infants go home with their families." Rebecca took his hands and turned him to face his companions. "This must be your family."  
"This is Catherine Bloom, my sister and Relena Yuy, one of my best friends."  
Rebecca smiled, "It's wonderful to meet all of you. How are you, Mr. Winner? We missed you yesterday."  
Quatre grinned from ear to ear, "Excited and nervous. I apologize for yesterday, we had to get Trowa and Cathie from the transport and make some arrangements at home for Grace."  
"Well, then, come on." Rebecca said, leading Trowa away. "I know Amanda has your paperwork ready and there are a few things we'd like to give you on behalf of the staff."  
Quatre looked at Catherine and Relena. Relena smiled, "Go on. We'll be waiting out here, beyond the doors to the unit."  
He took a deep breath and turned to follow Trowa and the brunette nurse to the rooms beyond, faintly listening to the chattering of Rebecca.  
When the doors finally swung closed behind the three adults, the talking started. Nurses from all over the infant care unit and the NeoNatal ICU were there to offer the Father and Uncle congratulations on the well being of the infant girl they'd come to take home.  
Trowa filled out the forms with Quatre's help, signing where he needed to, giving the hospital parental permission to release the child. They were given many gifts, mostly baskets of baby gear as well as free samples of different baby formula, bottles, pacifiers, baby blankets, and different outfits and pyjamas from the nurses.  
"Quatre? Trowa?"  
The two men turned around and met the face of their long time friend, Dr. Sally Po, the doctor who'd taken care of Ania during her pregnancy and subsequent death from the brain tumour, as well as Grace's delivery via emergency c-section.  
The blonde man hugged the pretty doctor, "Gods, Sally, it's wonderful to see you!"  
"I know. I was called away on duty for the _Preventers_ a couple of days after Grace's birth, but snagged some leave to come here today." Sally said. "Amanda and Rebecca let me know Grace's release date and I booked in. I wanted it to be a surprise for both of you."  
"Well, it is, Sally, it is."  
Sally looked at Trowa. "Everything okay there, Tro. You look frightened."  
The corners of Trowa's thin mouth turned up in a small smile, "I'm a little nervous, that's all."  
"Shouldn't you be handing out cigars?"  
"I'm sorry?"  
"Don't worry about it, Tro. It's probably scary enough for you as it is." Sally frowned, seeing the pain deeply embedded in Trowa's face, and turned to Quatre. "Oh, here. I've brought a gift. Amanda told me Grace has taken a liking to this particular brand of formula. Thought you might like to stock up before the kid eats you out of house and home."  
Quatre laughed as she placed another gift in his hands, "I'm glad we brought the girls with us or we wouldn't get out to the car!"  
"The girls are here?"  
He nodded, "Yeah, Relena and Catherine are out in the waiting room waiting for us."  
"Oh, great!" Sally exclaimed, "I'll just grab this box of things and take it out to them. I want to say hi."  
A hush fell over the room and Quatre noticed Trowa stiffen slightly, a brief moment of fear clouding his emerald green eyes. Amanda, the Nursing supervisor, held in her arms a carefully wrapped bundle, the infant daughter of Trowa Barton.  
Sally leaned over to Trowa. "Good luck." She whispered and disappeared out the doors to the adjoining waiting room.  
Amanda smiled, "She's grown so big since her birth, you might not even recognize her."  
The nurse moved to put the baby in his arms, but Trowa balked, throwing up his hands in silent protest, "No, I can't. Quatre, you do it."  
But Quatre closed his eyes and gently shook his head, "No, Trowa, this is your moment and I won't take it from you."  
"It's alright, Mr. Barton, she won't break if you hold her." Amanda said, smiling. She moved forward again, and this time Trowa gave no resistance, allowing the short, dark haired nursing supervisor to put the baby in his arms. "Just make sure you support her head. She's grown, but she still needs some help."  
He gazed into her tiny peaceful face, a wave of warmth washing over him, feeling Ania's presence, sharing the moment with him, "Is she okay?"  
"She's perfectly fine, Mr. Barton. The pediatricians did all the tests they could think of. She'll need some other ones when she's older but she is healthy as a clam." Amanda stepped away from Trowa, "You can take her home now."  
Quatre, standing close, looked at Trowa, "Are you okay?"  
"She's here, isn't she?"  
"Who?"  
"Angel."  
Breathing out a sigh of carefully guarded relief, Quatre replied, "Yes, Tro, I think she is."  
"Are we ready to go home now?" Trowa asked, his eyes not moving from the girl he held in his arms.  
Quatre looked at the smiling nurses, some of them shiny with tears, "I think that's our cue. We thank all of you for everything you've done. We couldn't have gotten through this without you."  
There were chorus's of well wishes and the small group left, Quatre leading the way with a box of the gifts, followed by Trowa holding Grace, and Rebecca, the ICU nurse bringing up the rear with the remaining box of supplies and gifts.  
Outside in the waiting room, Catherine and Relena were chatting with Sally. The three women turned to see the small procession come through the swinging door, Catherine's face lighting up with absolute joy at the sight of her brother holding his daughter. "You okay, Tro?" She asked.  
"Yes." He whispered, "Let's go home."  
With daughter in arms, Trowa turned and walked towards the hospital exit, without saying good bye. Sally frowned at her friends. "Is he okay?"  
Quatre looked sadly at the pretty doctor, "No, he's depressed."  
"Has he seen a doctor?"  
"No. He's refusing to ask for help."  
"Poor thing." Sally looked at Relena, "Why doesn't he stay with you for a few weeks until he's comfortable in his new role?"  
Before Relena could answer, Catherine broke in, "Trowa's coming home. He'll be better if he's in his own home."  
Sally's expression darkened with scepticism, but she did not reply.  
Quatre's aquamarine eyes turned icy cold with, "Cathie, let him stay. He'll be better off here among those who understand what he's going through."  
"You mean, you can understand exactly what Trowa's going through better than I can?" Catherine fired back.  
"That's not what I mean"  
"What **do** you mean, then, Quatre?" Catherine narrowed her eyes at him, "He's my brother, I think I know him."  
Relena stepped between them, "Guys, let's go. We're all on edge right now. We can discuss this when we get home."  
Quatre just turned away. Catherine made like she wanted to say something further, but closed her mouth and smiled again at Sally and Rebecca.  
"Sally, I'm sorry, we'd better go." Relena reached out to hug her, "I'll call you later on this evening and we can go out for coffee."  
"That'd be great." Sally replied, buttoning up her light summer jacket, "I'll see you then."  
Thanking Rebecca and saying their good-byes to Sally, the group left the hospital.

*****

"SURPRISE!!" A small number of voices rang out as the front doors to the big house opened to allow in the outside air, four adults, and a baby.  
Relena's eyes went wide, "Heero? Wufei? What happened to your meeting?"  
Heero grinned, "Well, we can't plan a surprise without a good cover story, can we?"  
Quatre put his arm around his partner's waist and kissed his cheek, "Well, what is it?"  
"It's for Trowa." Heero said, walking over to his tall friend, and smiling. "It's upstairs."  
Wufei winked at Heero and whispered something to Quatre before disappearing down the hall towards the office Heero and Relena shared.  
Catherine looked puzzled, "Where's Wufei going?"  
& quot;He's going to make a phone call." Heero said, "You ready for the surprise, Tro?"  
Trowa, who looked positively overwhelmed in his emotionally weakened state, simply nodded. "Quatre? Will you take Grace?"  
Quatre smiled, taking Grace, snuggled in her small carseat. "You bet."  
"Come on." Heero said, and led the way upstairs and down the hall to the room adjoining Trowa's smaller one. Opening the door, a gasp of surprise came from Trowa's mouth.  
"Heero." He breathed out, "You didn't."  
Inside, the small room had been set up to accommodate their new small guest. Heero and Wufei went out that morning and purchased a bassinette, a small changing table and matching dresser, and a rocking chair. There were also infant diapers, stuffed toys, and some other small things, Relena recognized, formerly belonging to Thomas.  
"I don't know what to say." Trowa whispered.  
"You don't have to say anything. It's a gift from Wufei and I. We'd planned to do this ever since we found out when you were arriving to pick up Grace." Heero smiled again and shrugged, "You deserve it."  
"Does this stuff belong in here?" A voice asked from the doorway. "Pagan brought it in from the car."  
Relena and Catherine, who stood closest to the door, laughed and each grabbed a box from Wufei.  
"It's all the stuff from the hospital. It's yours to do with what you wish, Tro." The small Arabian handed Trowa back the baby carrier, "We'll leave you alone now"  
"There's actually one more surprise." Eight surprised pairs of eyes turned towards Wufei. Heero simply smirked. "If you'll just follow me downstairs."  
The Chinese man turned and left the room, followed by Catherine, Quatre, and Relena, leaving Heero alone with Trowa and Grace.  
"You know we expect you to stay for awhile, at least until you feel strong enough to continue on your own." Heero said, breaking the moment's silence.  
"I can't, Heero." Trowa whispered.  
"Can't? Or won't because of what Cathie has said."  
"She says I should go home, for Grace's sake." Trowa said, "It's because"  
"I know why, Tro, and it isn't for the right reasons. Cathie isn't strong enough to give you the kind of help you need." Heero said, calmly. "She looks after you, but she's not strong enough to stop you doing horrible things to yourself. Relena told me a few minutes ago that Sally offered to help you with your depression. Take her up on it. Stay here, Trowa."  
"I'm scared, Heero."  
"I know. I can see it in your eyes. You **will** stay with us, okay?" Heero stated, a bit more forcefully this time.  
Trowa shook his head, anger clouding his emerald eyes. "I can't, Cathie isn't going to let me. I'll be going home. I want to stay, but I can't. I don't want to talk about it anymore."  
"You can't continue letting her run your life, Trowa. You know what's best for you and you need to take a stand." With an angry and worried sigh, Heero turned towards the door. "I can't help but think you are making a big mistake, but I suppose I should respect Cathie's decision. Let's go downstairs."  
Trowa, holding Grace's baby carrier, said nothing, only following his Japanese friend down the stairs and into the office which had been equipped in the previous weeks with a large screen vid phone.  
Wufei smiled, "Ready?"  
The group nodded and he pressed the hold button, bringing Junkyard Owner and former Gundam _Deathscythe_ Pilot Duo Maxwell and his wife, Hilde up onto the screen.  
Relena shrieked, "Duo! Hilde!"  
Duo laughed, "It's great to be able to talk to you on such a great occasion, but as you know we have our own happy news."  
Hilde leaned over and picked up something from off screen, "We want you to meet Jason Maxwell. Eight pounds, five ounces born at 5:21 yesterday afternoon. They let me go home this afternoon after a zero complication delivery!"  
Catherine and Relena each gave a shrill shriek and Hilde began to chatter on excitedly, giving details about the birth. Duo interrupted, "What about Trowa?"  
Trowa gave an embarrassed smile and reached down and picked up his own new arrival to show their good friends, "This is Grace Barton."  
Hilde smiled, cuddling Jason close to her, "She's gorgeous, Trowa. I think she'll have your eyes. Is she healthy?"  
"Yes." Was the entire reply.  
Hilde looked puzzled, "You keep us updated on her, won't you, Tro? It'll be a bit before we can get over to your colony for a visit. Or even take a trip down to earth, but we will, as soon as we can."  
Trowa gave a polite smile, but said nothing. After a moment, he nodded at the screen, picked up the baby carrier, and walked out of the room.  
Duo just stared, "What the hell?"  
"Don't, Duo." Heero warned.  
"Don't what?"  
"Trowa's not well at the moment, and it's best not to ask any questions until he's worked things out." Heero said.  
Duo's puzzled expression matched his wife's, "Okay"  
The conversation continued for another fifteen minutes and then broke up, with Heero disconnecting the vidphone. A heavy silence filled the room, each person looking at the others, not saying anything.  
Quatre moved first, "I'm going to go up and see how Trowa's doing."  
"No!"  
His aquamarine eyes turned slowly to look at the owner of the voice, "What is your problem, Cathie?"  
Relena, Heero, and Wufei froze, waiting with baited breath for Catherine to respond.  
She closed her eyes and looked away, "Trowa is my problem, not yours. I wish you would stop bothering him, leave him alone, and let him get on with his life. He is going home on Thursday, like I planned, with his daughter."  
"Trowa is not a child."  
"What?" Catherine turned and viciously stared at Wufei.  
"Trowa is not a child. He does not need you to make his decisions for him." Wufei said, a soothing calmness in his voice, "He has not had the chance to speak for himself, since he arrived. He has only repeated what you told him, not listening to a suggestion made by anyone else."  
Catherine's anger could not be repressed, "And I suppose **you** know what's best for him, Wufei?"  
"I don't proclaim to know what is best for him." Came the reply, "But I do proclaim that it should be Trowa deciding."  
"I've looked after him since he arrived at our circus. He trusts me to decide. Do you all get that? It's something I've always done for him."  
Quatre moved to face her again, "No, you haven't, Cathie. He survived the wars living on his own decisions and instinct. Trowa grew up, just like the rest of us. And you have to stop treating him like a child."  
"Look, I know Trowa is sick, and I know coming home with me will be the best thing for him." Catherine pleaded.  
"Yeah, like last time he went home, he became depressed and nearly didn't come back." Quatre muttered, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting back down in his chair.  
A rage built up in Catherine, and she screamed out, "I just don't want his life ruined again!"  
Relena looked up and stared at her friend with wide frightened blue eyes, "What are you saying, Catherine?"  
"I'm saying every time he comes here, his life ends up messed up in some way." Having said that, Catherine fell into a chair, her face in her hands, unable to look at any other face in the room with her.  
Relena's hand flew to her mouth, "I can't believe you'd say such a thingIs that what you think we do?"  
"Relena?"   
But the young Princess wasn't listening as she ran out of the room to the awaiting staircase and her own rooms and safety.  
Quatre's new and now well-known anger came back in full force, and he moved forward, shouting at Catherine in her face, "How dare you, Catherine, how dare you!! You must have no idea how much you are destroying his life by the things you say to him! When Ania lived with him, I have **NEVER** in my whole life seen him happier and you call that ruining his life. It is **NOBODY'S** fault that she died, it happened. But accusing us of destroying his life because we care is **NOT** going to solve this."  
"You don't know what you are talking about!" Catherine screamed, raising her hands and rushing forward as if to claw Quatre's eyes out, but the ever silent Heero caught her in time, while Wufei rushed to keep Quatre from doing any harm in return.  
Heero's sharp voice echoed in the large room, "That's enough!"  
Wufei had his arms around Quatre, whispering something in a pale ear, the red color of rage draining from his face, as he was calmed by his partner.  
Turning Catherine to him, but looking at both Quatre and Catherine, Heero's perfect soldier persona returned, "Both of you will leave Trowa alone. I will not have him get any sicker because of the way you two have been carrying on over the last day and a half. I'm going to talk to Trowa and let him know that he can make his own decision. Whatever he choses will be influenced by nobody. Do you both understand me?"  
Catherine glared at Heero, eyes shining with unshed tears, shrugged his hands off her arms, "Trowa and I will be going home tomorrow. Thank you for your hospitality."  
She spun on her heel and left the room, leaving the three men standing there in with gaping mouths.  
Quatre spoke first, "I'm sorry, Heero."  
"Don't, Quatre, just leave. Go get some rest and we'll discuss this tomorrow."   
Wufei led him out of the room, leaving Heero fuming and standing alone.

*****

Not far down the hall stood Trowa. His own tears shining on his face after hearing the angry words between his sister and his best friend. And finally knew his long overdue decision.

*****

He rocked back and forth, staring out the window at the heavy darkness, remembering those words spoken earlier by Heero, Quatre, and Catherine. Trowa knew Heero and Quatre were right about making his own decisions and refusing to be continually treated like a child. He'd even gone so far as to tell Catherine he wanted to stay, the boldest thing he'd done in weeks, but she'd told him no. She'd informed him he needed to go back into a familiar environment and Grace would need to be settled into her new home, deliberately leaving out the part about his friends ruining his life. It would only confuse her to be settled into one place and then have her do it all over again once Trowa returned home.  
Catherine understood he'd be on his way home with her the next day. Trowa appreciated everything Heero and Wufei had done for him as well as Quatre and Relena being there at the hospital, but he knew the time had come to go through with his decision.  
He'd done little to unpack those things he'd been given at the hospital but it didn't matter anymore. In fact the only thing that did matter is getting out and away from the arguing, from everything.  
Grace fussed in her bassinette. Trowa got up from the rocking chair and looked down at his daughter, but she settled down again and slept peacefully. He hated the idea of leaving her there, but it was the only think he could think of. She would be safe and they would stop arguing over who made the decisions for him.  
He went to his room and pulled from the nightstand his picture of Ania and returned to kneel on the floor near his daughter, "How dare you leave me." He whispered. "How could you, Angel, when I needed you here."  
One tear and then another dropped onto the glass photo frame, "I can't keep doing this to myself and to them and ending up ruining our daughter's life. They love me and yet they have done nothing but fight about me. No matter how hard I try, I can't block it all out. It haunts me."

~Its just that we stayed, too long in the same old sickly skin.~  
~I'm pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I can feel so low.~

"I know, Angel, this is not what you would have wanted for me or for your daughter." Trowa hugged the picture to his chest. "But I lost myself when I lost you and nobody has the power to help me find myself again. Not when they are at odds with each other. If I leave, things will get better for them and for Grace and perhaps for me. That's what I believe."

~But oh darkness I feel like letting go...~

Trowa stared into the bassinette at the life he helped to create, "You'll be okay here, Grace, I know you will. Your Uncle Quatre will look after you with the help of Relena and Heero, and you'll grow up with Thomas and you'll meet Jason and you won't have me around to drag you into the gutters where I am. Your mom loves you, and I love you, but I refuse to ruin your life like I have done with my own. I wanted to be able to take care of you on my own, but I now realize that I can't. It's only going to get worse before it gets better. I think it might be too late to keep your life from falling apart, too. Especially with all the arguing going on around us.  
He picked up the picture from where he'd set it down on the floor, "This is your mom, Grace. Her name is Ania and that's me in the picture with her. Don't forget us, Grace."  
Before his daughter could wake up, Trowa dashed out of the room and into his own, pulling his half empty suit case from the floor and piling his things into it. The clock on the nightstand read 1:30 am. Plenty of time to leave. He grabbed his phone from his overnight bag and called a taxi, instructing it to pick him up at the end of the driveway to the Peacecraft Mansion. They'd be there in fifteen minutes.  
He went back to his daughter's room, putting the photo on top of the dresser, "Here, Grace, this is for you. My life here may be over, but yours doesn't have to be."

~But all of the strength and all of the courage~  
~Couldn't lift me from this place~

He stared into the bassinette again, suitcase in one hand, another tear dropping onto and soaking into her pink pyjamas. "I love you, Grace. Good bye."

~Together we crumble and stumble and fall,~  
~I fall from grace...~

*****

  
When he heard the incessant pounding and crying, Quatre tried to ignore it, rolling over and closing his eyes, snuggling closer to Wufei.  
"Quatre, let me in." Catherine's voice came through, along with her fists against the wood of the door, "Something's wrong."  
Alarmed, Quatre disentangled himself from the other body in the bed with him, silently wondering how his partner could sleep through all of the noise. He threw a bathrobe on over his naked body and opened the door where Catherine fell into his arms, sobbing hysterically, "He's gone, Quatre, he's gone!"  
A picture of Trowa dead from his own hand flashed through Quatre's mind, "What? Who?"  
"I heard Grace crying and when she didn't stop after about ten minutes, I got up to check on her." Catherine sobbed, holding out a small piece of paper to Quatre. "He wasn't in his room, I've checked everywhere! He's gone! His room is empty! He's left this note with Grace!"  
"What's going on?" A groggy Wufei said from the bed.  
Quatre turned to his partner, his voice and hands shaking, "Trowa's left. He's gone."  
Wufei's sleep heavy black eyes suddenly became awake, "You're joking?"  
Catherine wiped the tears from her face, trying to calm herself, "No, 'Fei, he's really gone."  
"Here's the note that he left." Quatre said, wiping away his own stray tears.  
Black eyes scanning the note, Wufei threw off the bed covers, "Gods, I'm going to get Heero."  
Within ten minutes, Heero had a search underway. The hysterical Catherine staying with Grace, Relena making phone calls, and Heero, Quatre, and Wufei out in Heero's purple Range Rover. But to no avail. They knew he'd left earth in a transport to one of the space colonies. And they wouldn't find him without a deeper more thorough search.  
Hours later, sitting around the table drinking coffee, the three ex pilots mused over the disappearance of their friend.  
"He knows the ways of a soldier and of silence." Heero said, thoughtfully, "If he doesn't want to be found, he won't be. Especially not by us. The five of us think too much alike, it's how we were trained."  
Wufei looked perplexed, "But wouldn't that lead us right to him?"  
"No." Heero replied, "he'd go exactly where we wouldn't look."  
"But why would he want to leave, Heero?" Quatre questioned his wiser friend, "We offered him everything and none of it good enough for him."  
"My guess is that we couldn't give back to him what he wanted most?"  
"Ania."  
"That's exactly it."  
Wufei took a sip of his coffee, "I don't think he understood how to accept help. He never asked for it during Ania's sickness or after Grace's birth. I guess it was all too overwhelming for him."  
"I would have given anything to help him." Quatre said, "What are we going to do now?"  
Heero thought about this, "You and Catherine are Grace's closest living relatives so we'll work it out with her tomorrow. I think she'll allow Grace to live here until Trowa comes back. Her circus must come first. She can live without Trowa there, but **it** needs her."  
"You are right about that." Came a voice from the door.  
They turned to see Catherine in the doorway to the dining room. Wufei got up and offered her his chair, but she refused.  
"Hi, Cathie." Quatre said with caution.  
"I just want to apologize for today. I am angry at the world for everything that has happened up to this point and Trowa got stuck in the middle. But I didn't mean the things that I said. I'm sorry, Quatre."  
Quatre looked at the wood of the table, wringing his hands, "It's alright, I know we're all angry."  
Catherine turned to leave, "I'll be going to bed now, but I wanted you all to know. I won't mind if Grace stays here most of the time. I'd like to be able to see her sometimes, but at least I'll know she's in safe hands until Trowa returns."  
She exited the room, leaving Quatre with tears in his eyes. He looked imploringly at his friends, "What if he doesn't come back?"  
Heero shrugged, "We won't think about that right now, okay?"  
Quatre gave a sad sigh and Wufei reached over and squeezed his love's hand. "We'll work it out, Quatre, I promise."  
The three men got up and pushed their chairs in, a small piece of paper with Trowa Barton's handwriting left there with these words:

~I know I can love you much better than this,~  
~So it's better this way.~


End file.
